even if nobody else sings along. 💃🏼
it’s a double post kind of day. i got dumped last night (something new and different for me) because, yet again, the man i was seeing won’t wait for sex. (apparently it’s ~too fundamental~ and how can you *possibly know* whether you’re compatible if you’re not having it?) it was hard enough to hear when i was only doing it for faith reasons - it is worse now i know i have vaginismus and i have no idea how long PIV sex will take or how *successful* it will be for me. massive kick in the guts.
what hurts is it doesn’t matter how much a man likes me, how much i like him, the substance of my head or my heart - it has never been enough to compel them to stay. i can be crystal clear about how much i value them as a person, how much i desire them, how i am willing to wait for them and it never matters. here’s the thing - this is a religious choice for me, and a health choice for now, but it’s also about what i believe is at the heart of relationships. sex is great and i really hope i’m going to have a lot of it someday but sex doesn’t help two people hold it together when they’re trying to park the caravan straight, or untangle the christmas lights. sex cannot save you when you can’t pay the bills or one of you is seriously ill. sex is a beautiful, binding blessing for people who care about each other but surviving the hard stuff together in the long term? that’s about character. but in my experience, most men won’t stay for character. for me, with my choices and my condition, that is a tough pill to swallow.
as a high achiever in the scarcity mindset, i have placed too much pressure on my performance to find love. it’s this idea that if you’re not working at your love life like you do with your career you’ll never be successful and you’ll miss your chance. but i need to take extended holiday leave from dating. i’ve dodged a lot of bullets recently but i’ve sustained some flesh wounds in the process and i am too sensitive to keep being rejected over and over again like this. i deleted all my apps, and wiped the guy from my phone. it’s time to look inward and protect myself again.